Rules, Tulips, Extravaganzas and More!

As the very first entry on my blog which I've predictably titled "Jonathan Troke's Web Log Extravaganza" I've decided to provide some basic rules that I plan to follow when it comes to posting. I’ve numbered them for ease of reference and a small, pocket-sized edition will soon be available for order to those interested.

1. There will be no less then 40 entries per hour. That’s right. At the bare minimum you can expect a new post every 1 ½ minutes. This is incredible if I do say so myself. How do I intend to maintain that pace and still produce quality content? See number 2.

2. Do NOT expect quality content. I can’t stress that enough. If you’re here looking for some groundbreaking or insightful editorial than you’re in the wrong place. And don’t get me started on those people that say “But sentences need to be coherent to make sense!” I will be the judge of what is and what isn’t coherent on this blog, mister. Average tulips don’t iron on metabolism.

3. Each entry will consist of no less than 400,000 words. Think of your average fantasy novel and you’ll get the idea. How do I intend to create posts of that length and still remain within my admittedly excessive time restraints? See number 2.

4. Will I ever devote an entire entry to asking a ridiculously long question designed to end up with a platform that simply allows me to respond with a shallow answer for the sole purpose of making an eye-roll inducing point? Yes.

5. If I ever miss an expected entry I will voluntarily submit myself for suitable punishment. The punishment will be decided upon by at least 30,000 readers of this blog chaired by a member of the media. And by media I mean an anchor from CNN or something. They must meet near the oak tree at noon and are expected to agree upon and carry out the punishment within the hour. Failing to do this will be frowned upon and in the end… well, I’ll just never learn now will I?

6. Finally, when in doubt just refer to number 2. Actually, the more I think about it I just can’t see a better motto for this blog. Unless I receive a more appropriate suggestion by the end of the week then the slogan will be: “Refer to Number 2”

7. One more thing.. Squirrels? Yeah, why not.

That should do it. Remember, the lower your expectations are the better for everyone involved. You never know, perhaps I just might get away with breaking every single one of these rules on a daily basis and still have a readership. I know, unlikely, but we’ll see what happens.